Meshugeh

Oh, you all knew this was coming, didn't you? Yes, true to my almost-every-six-month trend, I am unveiling a brand new blog! This time I decided to stop using region-specific names (hello, The Snark DC and LA Celebutard) and focus on one, always usable, always relevant, masterpiece. And thus Meshugeh was born:

Because Yiddish is an amazing language to begin with, and, let's face it: I'm an uber Jew, without all the religious madness. And because finding a way to incoroporate the JDate logo into my personal blog is too amazing to pass up.

Which leads me into my next point, for those of you that don't know: I'm moving back to Boston. Yes, you've heard me; due to extenuating circumstances in my life, as of November 24th, I will officially be a Bostonian again. And while I'm ridiculously sad to be leaving my friends out here, and uncertain (as always) as to what the future will bring, I am looking forward to this next chapter in my life - and to Dunkies. I could totally go for a Milky Way latte thing right now. Delicious.

So yes, Meshugeh is my blog. No more skipping across the country for new blog names, depending on where my whims and fancies take me. After months and months of blogging, I finally have a permanent home on the internet - hurray!

The Lovely Smell of Hollywood

Oh my god, the overwhelming smell of urine is wafting through my windows - I think a dozen or so bums died outside my apartment. Goddamn you, Hollywood.

Before I Go Out to Celebrate:

THANK YOU, AMERICA

PRESIDENT BARACK 

OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF OUR COUNTRY AND OUR VOTERS! FINALLY WE USHER IN THE CHANGE WE SO DESPERATELY NEED! I LOVE YOU BITCHES!

OBAMA '08!

TOMORROW'S ELECTION DAY, PEOPLE! GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

And remember: we've already had 8 years of war, ruined international relations, national recession and financial crisis, bigotry and hatred, lying, cheating, fucking over the public, and generally ruining everything we worked so hard to gain. It's time for a new administration, a new party in office, and a leader that actually has our best interests at heart.

Also, McCain is technically the walking dead, and Palin might actually be Satan, so let's not usher in the Antichristic Duo, okay?

The Few - But Precious - Things I Like About LA

Well, I've come to the conclusion that I only like three things in LA:

1. My Lovely Friends

2. The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf

3. Pinkberry (although they have locations in NYC, soooo...)

Because seriously, they're the only things that make it bearable to stay out here; and yes, this is more bitching, and no, I don't care how annoying that makes me! But I do have to say that the Bean's Sugar Free Cafe Vanilla with Soy AND their Sugar Free Moroccan Mint Tea Latte with Soy might actually induce involuntary orgasms. Same with a Regular Pinkberry with Strawberries and Double Chocolate Chips. Now can you see why I stay out here?

Flabbergastion.

I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry, although I've been pretty good about alternating between the two for the past 36 or so hours. And I managed to do both at once while I was walking back on Sunset, once I realized I'm literally officially fucking broke. Fabulous. 

Hey, That's Some Plausible Shit Right There. You Should Blog About That.

Tom Ryan: Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie! 
C.J.: Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real. 
Mahalik: Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street? 
C.J.: Yeah. 
Mahalik: She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing. 
Tom Ryan: Uh... 
C.J.: [C.J. interrupts] What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"? 
Tom Ryan: 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there! 
Tom Ryan: Guys, I'm trying to ask... 
C.J.: [C.J. interrupts again] So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time. 
Mahalik: No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield! 
Tom Ryan: Uh, guys... 
C.J.: [C.J. interrupts yet again] Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up. 
Mahalik: Unless... you a zombie. 
C.J.: Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that. 
Mahalik: I'm gonna put that on MySpace. 
C.J.: You do that! 

And this is why I watch Scary Movie marathons.

Halloween Prep

Jesus Christ, every entry on here starts with some variation of "oh god, I'm such an asshole, I'm so bad at updating," and this is because it's true: my name is Chelsea, and I am an asshole, and I am crap at updating. But then the first part of rehabilitation is admitting your problem, right? 

At any rate, today is October 25th, and we all know what that means - ONE WEEK TODAY UNTIL HALLOWEEN! Oh my god. I'm so excited I could have a heart attack, even though I'm 23 and should probably have my shit together by this point. At the moment, I'm getting into the season by taking it easy and watching a Scary Movie marathon on Comedy Central, because ohmigod I love the Scary Movie series almost as much as I love Halloween itself, and anything (both the scary and the mocking-of-the-scary) just makes me feel so much better around this time of year. 

This year, I'm going as a slutty Dorothy, which in effect perverts the last of my childhood dreams. I'm due to start writing my drug-induced memoir any day now; perhaps in a few hours, if Andrea makes good on her plan to smoke, or perhaps in a few minutes, because my neighbors are smoking, and it's coming through the window in a major way, and I think I'm starting to fishbowl. But I digress.

Pretty much my exact costume, but my shoes are way hotter

Yesterday, Danee and I went on a costume adventure spanning all the way from West Hollywood to The Valley (and downtown Burbank, my new favorite place in LA, because... well, because I have issues) and finally found the costumes of our childhood dreams - mine, of course, being Dorothy, and hers being Minnie Mouse. And, because we love being thrifty and crafty, we made our iconic shoes by spraypainting one pair yellow and one pair red, and sprinkling glitter on the red ones. Hello, ruby slippers! Oddly enough, we both had curiously lilac colored pumps, a color that I'm not entirely sure was meant to exist in nature, so voila - for free, we get costume shoes. Brilliant!

Pictures galore will ensue, because I've been here for 5+ months now, and I have a depressingly small amount of pictorial evidence to prove that point. And because it'll be Halloween, we'll be drunk, and we'll be in costume - I'm pretty sure you're breaking multiple laws if you don't break out the cameras. 

I Hate Hollywood

The same. Motherfucking car alarm. Has been going off. FOR OVER A FUCKING HOUR. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE.

I seriously HATE living in this part of Hollywood; this occurs at least twice a day, every day.

BRB, going to pull a Britney:

It's That Time Again!

When the seasons are (supposed to be) changing, they always bring with them an inevitable conundrum: should Chelsea cut her hair off?

I tend to let my hair grow really long (well, not like scary down-to-my-feet long, but shoulder-blade-length long) and then chop it all off, and for awhile now I've been itching to get a short, bob-esque style haircut. I know that it's going to get cooler (you know, in LA it might drop down to... 75 degrees, or something) but then it is a chic, autumn-

ish hair cut soooo...

What do you think? Keep it long, or chop it off?

BTW this is how short I'd go: not pixie cut, but definitely short - and something with texture so I could wear it messy like this and not look like I just rolled out of bed/haven't showered/am homeless

Fringe is Fabulous

So I made a quick post on here awhile ago, I think when Fringe first premiered on Fox, but holy shit people, I'm serious - if you're not watching this show, then you need to sit the fuck down and watch every episode that's come out so far. It's a more modern, more scientific X-Files, and it's one of the most addicting shows I've seen in forever. This, combined with the awesomeness that is House, makes Tuesday night's thatmuchmore bearable - hurray for tv!

I wasn't sure initially that I'd be happy with a supernatural show with a scientific twist, and thought I'd be longing for ghosts and demons and other things that go bump in the night, but what makes Fringe such a standout is the scientific aspect of the show, because the episodes are based on things that could, potentially, actually happen. It's still creepy as shit, and totally off the proverbial wall, at times, but there's much more of a "shit, this could happen" base that it makes a show without ghosts and ghouls that much creepier and scarier. So, get your ass in gear and start watching, so I can start doing recaps.

Midnight Meat Train

No, that's not the title of a new male-on-male sausage fest porn extravaganza, but rather the title of a movie that apparently came out sometime earlier this year. Although in the end, I suppose, whether it's a gay porn or a confusing movie about murderers, meat, and reptilian creatures beneath the subway system of New York (get out of there, Rachel Zoe!), in the end, you still feel like you got thoroughly raped in the ass. 

And you want this to happen to you, just to stop the pain.

The entire problem of Midnight Meat Train - besides the title, of course - is that the whole premise is based on something that, if you've ever been in the New York Subway, you know to be completely false: at no time, ever, in the history of New York City, has the subway been completely empty. It's a complete fallacy, some dream that someone in Los Angeles must've dreamt up after a particularly long night of lines and newly-legalized absinthe. Even if it's 3:30am on a Tuesday, the Subway is full of drunk partiers and weary, early morning business men. The idea of an entirely empty train actually running through entirely empty stations is laughable. Sort of like basing a horror movie on the idea that men need vapid, stupid blondes around them at all times to survive, and having the protagonist arrive in LA, only to find the city completely devoid of them. It's laughable, see, because it's so outrageously absurd. 

Something I also found annoying was the fact that the synopsis on Wikipedia - I know, I know, hardly the pinnacle of hard facts - is completely off. It's like saying The Lion King opens with the main characters sitting around, smoking a joint and having a few cold ones while they bitched about the state of affairs around the Plateau of Life, or whatever the fuck it was the monkey dangled poor Simba off of. You frown and scratch your head and put the DVD on slo-mo, but still, there's no awesomely out of place scene like that. And that's the problem with Meat Train - I got annoyed by the slow pace and went on to see what the eventual outcome was, but then thought I was somehow reading the wrong movie's synopsis. Damnit, not even the web can get this movie right.

Your Moment of Bitching

IWantToGoHomeRightThisInstant >:O

Apparently it's possible to be a hormonal psychopath even with the lady junk currently still out of commission. Shocking!

Lightbulb Moment

The other day, some of my friends from work said they'd had a "lightbulb moment", so I asked what it was (meaning the idea, not the goddamn meaning of the term, because I do happen to be slightly more intelligent then I look, you bitches.) Well, today I had a lightbulb moment of my own:

It's the lack of seasons that are totally getting to me right now. Which is bizarre, because I always claimed I had SAD (and it is true that I'm prone to additional theatrics whenever the cold comes in), but now that I have no seasons (it's fucking ninety degrees outside right now - NINETY DEGREES) it's driving me mad. I don't particularly like the flow of this city to begin with, and now that it's just stretching endlessly on and on, every day exactly the same, none of the comforting seasonal - and life chapter - change coming on... well, I think it explains a hell of a lot about my mindset lately.

Time almost feels like it stands still out here; everyone is desperately trying to stay 20 years-old, it's the same shit day in and day out, everyone's chasing rather impossible dreams, and this place just sucks the life right out of you. Sure, it definitely has it's good points, and I've experienced a lot of great things out here, but man, in the end I just don't think it's worth it.

A Journey to Boston? (and other Classic Rock Bands that can be Used to Stress My Post's Topic)

What a long, strange trip it's been. And that was only to Ralph's the other day, in which I was accosted by a homeless, drug-addled man who couldn't seem to understand why I didn't want to go behind the nearby Wendy's and hook up with him. Nothing like living the dream in Hollywood. Although on the way there I did see this particularly awkward sight, so I suppose there was some good out of that trip:

Gross. Why do people let themselves go outside like this?

It's no secret that, for the vast majority of my life, I've been an habitual nomad. Even when I'm happy somewhere, I still have this unsatiable desire to travel and leave home/dorm/school and wander places unknown (or at least recently untraveled.) But for the first time in my life, I'm having this bizarre, rather unsettling desire to go home. 

No, not to Hull, because I'm a complete city girl, and the idea of moving back to a place that essentially shuts down after Labor Day makes me nearly hyperventilate. But I mean back to the East Coast, back to New England, and, most importantly (most oddly?) back to Boston. Now don't get me wrong, I've never not liked Boston. Sure, the cold nearly killed me several times (I'm very delicate, in case you were wondering - also very prone to bitching) and I knew I had to get away for at least a few years, but Boston has always held a special place in my heart, and I always liked the idea of going back at some point; maybe a few years after college, maybe twenty years after college, maybe after I'd spawned several children and a huge horde of grandchildren and had my own army - whenever. 

And Boston... well, Boston is Boston. After living chunks of my life in DC, Philly, New York, and now LA, I've seen a lot of major cities, and had the chance to experience them first hand. And I've seen Miami and San Diego and Raleigh and Richmond and Trenton and Honolulu and here and there and a little bit of everywhere, so by this point I've gotten a fairly good grasp on what the major metropolitan areas in the States have to offer, and how I feel on them. Sure, I haven't seen every major city (I still very much want to go to Chicago, for instance, and I'd like to see Austin and Dallas) but realistically, I've been to the places where I would consider living, and I think maybe it's time to actually get my shit together and make a decision one way or the other. 

Oh, Boston, you're my... home?

Boston is in a unique position, too, in that it offers so many other major metropolitan areas all within a short driving distance. Sure, LA has San Diego two hours away, Las Vegas four, and San Francisco seven, but Boston has New York, Philly, DC, all the amazingness that Maine and New Hampshire have to offer, Canada, etc etc. And it's not so much the number of cities close to Boston vs. the number of cities close to LA, but the fact that Boston has so many bustling East Coast cities so close to it. LA is nothing even remotely like any of the cities I'm used to, and while it certainly has its charms and it has a hell of a lot to offer, I miss the crazed, type-A, caffeine-riddled maniacs that storm the cities back East. 

But I like LA a lot, and in just four months, I've managed to do a fairly impressive amount of crap with my life, if I do say so myself. I mean, I've shot a movie, found a job, made some amazing friends, traveled all over the place, started a new life, threw caution to the wind and embraced the West Coast mentality, etc etc. But now that the proverbial dust has settled, what do I really want?

Well, since I'm a paradigm of maturity, I've decided to go with the good old "List of Pros and Cons!" that's helped me with such epic decisions as whether or not to be a waitress or a veterinarian when I was in elementary school, whether or not to date a boy in the fourth grade, and whether or not to give back the $20 back I received when I gave a cashier at H&M $50 for a $48 purchase. I figured it was okay in the end not to give it back, because 2 is almost 20, just with an extra zero thrown back in there. Close enough, and I don't want to dash anyone's dreams of someday becoming a mathematician. 

LA PROS:

- warm weather all year round

- bustling entertainment industry

- young, hip, full of interesting people

- there's like 40 amazing beaches all within an hour's travel

- it's a huge change from what I'm used to

- complete independence, given I'm 3 freaking timezones away

- made amazing friends

- have a job that, while not the bastion of wealth and prestige, I really like

- might actually be able to wrangle a career out here

- still has higher education and publishing options, should I decide to go back to academia

LA CONS:

- warm weather all the goddamn time/no seasons

- entertainment industry people tend to be vapid or stupid, or an unholy combination of the two

- all of the amazing beaches are at least an hour away, and I am without a car

- it's like someone took New York, ripped all the neighborhoods/buroughs out, and scattered them in the wind: meaning it takes fuck all long to get anywhere, and there's no sense of a real city here

- it's hella far away from my friends from school and the east coast, and my family

- it can feel very disconnected and almost lonely out here, at times

- the smog and pollution and filth in some areas are really fucking gross

- homeless people die in front of you (go read Jim's blog, eurgh)

- as awesome (seriously, I'm not being sarcastic) as filming the movie was, now that it's out of my system, I'm not entirely sure I actually want to fight to become famous and 100% committ myself to the industry

- i miss a smaller, or at least more compact, city feel

- it's not home.

Okay, so now let's follow this up with Boston's cons and see how they stack up, and then hit up the pros side:

BOSTON Cons:

- a smaller city, not a Global Power city (such as NYC or London)

- um, winter weather

- doesn't have the same entertainment industry opportunities 

- very close to my family and could infringe on my independence/freedom

- I don't have a job or anything set up there, and no immediate housing options until my friends' leases run up closer to the summer

- might feel like I'm giving up and going home?

BOSTON Pros:

- still actually a Global City, along with NYC and LA, just on a smaller scale

- seasons, which shockingly I miss

- has some entertainment industry opportunities, especially with the tax breaks and the production companies they're setting up there, in order to entice filmmakers to film there

- massive educational and academic communities, if I decide to go back to school or get back into publishing

- close to my college and home friends, and close to my family

- won't have to FLY to visit home (!!!!!!!!!)

- definitely has that city feel to it

- everything is super close and there's a REAL subway/T system to travel! yay!

- also, per above, don't need a car

- close to the East Coast cities I miss so much

- is a city that feels much more like home

...so, what do you all think? Realistically, I mean. Should I consider relocating in a year? Should I stay put in LA? Should I say fuck both ya'll and travel Europe? Can I afford to travel Europe without having to moonlight as a lady of the night? Might it be intriguing to be a lady of the night?

"It's Earthquake Weather!"

Apparently 95 degree evenings + gale force winds = earthquake. All I know is that, while at work in a flowy dress, for me it = Marilyn Monroe-ing the guests while feeling like I was sweating all my weight off in a sauna. For those of you not in the know, it does not stay that hot in LA at night. 

Ever. 

Once the sun goes down, the temperature can drop as many as twenty degrees, so to be melting on the sidewalk at 10pm at night is a bizarre happening, and it makes everyone (and I mean everyone) continuously say "it's earthquake weather!" Nothing like staying positive. I was fine with an earthquake, as long as it waited long enough for me to get my daily fix of Pinkberry. 

In another 'earthquake' I can finally say: MY IMDB PAGE IS UP! MOSTLY!

The page itself was approved: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3137392/ and the credits are being processed and should be up shortly! And I do need me some new headshots, but for now, at least there's some kind of face associated with my name. Even if I look slightly evil/retarded/confused. But hey, I spend most of my time in a combination of those three states of being, so at least it gives a fairly accurate sense of who I am. Fabulous. 

And my last 'earthquake' (don't you love when I go theme-happy?) is that Becca just left this morning to go back to the East Coast :( Despite spending every day during the last week glued at the proverbial hip, I already miss her like crazy. If only all of my friends could move all over the country en masse, so we wouldn't have to deal with being split up and thousands of miles away from each other. Someone needs to nail this whole 'teleportation' thing down, pronto. 

Clay Aiken Announces: "Yes, I'm Gay"

In other news, the world is round, the sky is blue, and mushrooms are still disgusting. 

America's Next Top Makeovers

Joy of joys! It's that special time again! That amazing time of the year in which we're gleefully subjected to unabashed tears, panicked hair yanking, and the inevitable, horrifying false sense of confidence that strikes girls who really think being madeover from a so-so pretty girl to someone that looks like a chia pet died on their heads means they'll soon be gracing the covers of French Vogue. Yes, ladies, it's the America's Next Top Model Makeover episode! So, without further ado, I present to you the Cycle 11 Makeovers:

Analeigh:

Oh, Analeigh. I adore her, I really do; she's so cute that I just want to put her in my pocket and take her out with me wherever I go. Her makeover looks great - the blonde hair really makes her seem a lot prettier and, to quote Tyra (god help me), makes her "pop". Unfortunately, it also brings to light (pun?) the fact that she really is a blonde - just on the inside. Seriously, girl, it's uncanny. 

Brittany:

Well, it's a vast improvement over that hideous chop 'do she had, but sadly it does absolutely nothing to make her even remotely more interesting. Also, her top lip makes her look like she has a moustache; it's probably not a good thing that she looks way more like a hot tranny mess than Isis does.

Clark With No E:

That still bothers me to no end. And you know what else bothers me to no end? This hair color. It's so... unflattering. It takes away the softer edge that she had when she was a blond, and makes her look like as much of a heinous bitch as she is in person. Apparently this season, it was all the rage to bring out someone's inner persona with a new haircolor. 

Elina:

Oh my god, oh my god, omggg! I love it! This had all the makings of a disaster: Rebel Chick + Red Brillo Pad + Meltdown, but rather than becoming one hell of a mess, Elina pulls the shit off of this look. For once, Tyra has actually taken a totally ridiculous makeover and actually made something of it. It also doesn't hurt that Elina is fierce, and can rock just about any look. What does hurt, however, is that Elina pulled the Rebel Chick Who's Secretly Self-Conscious card, per her freak out and tears over the new coif. And sure, it must've been one hell of a suprise, but give it a freaking rest, bitch; you're not a hardcore bad ass if one new haircut totally shatters any sense of self-identity that you were grasping onto. 

and just remember, Elina; at least you didn't get Taylor Momsen's makeover:

Yikes.

Hannah:

And just when you think Hannah can't possibly get anymore annoying, she goes ahead and gets a haircut that screams out just how horse-like her face is; now she's even more supremely annoying, and she manages to pull it off all without opening her Mr. Ed Jaw. Fabulous. When they announced that she won the Cover Girl Challenge (really, people? Really?) it made me want to jump through the tv and beat the show's producers senseless. Now she's all infused with this horribly misplaced sense of self-confidence, which means we're going to have to listen to 10x more retarded statements spilling out of her. Omigod, I'm from Alaska, ya'll!

Isis:

Well, the hair does do wonders, in that it gives Isis some desperately needed femininity. Don't get me wrong, she looks pretty damn feminine for someone who wasn't born with girly bits, but she still has some masculine features that needed to be done away with, and the long hair is the perfect thing. Of course then they go ahead and stuff her in a tiny bikini, which kind of took all the air right out of that particular tire. And the judges wonder why she looked sort of... uncomfortable, during her shoot.

Joslyn:

Who?

Lauren Brie:

I still don't get it - is her full name Lauren Brie, or does she just really like cheese? Anyhow, for once I actually agreed with what the judges had to say; LB is underwhelming, to say the least, in person, but this bitch takes some fierce ass pictures. Her ladder picture last week was straight out of the pages of Vogue, and this week she looked amazing. It's odd, how someone so blah can be so beautiful behind the camera. Aw, I think ANTM just made me deep.

Marjorie:

Oh god! Don't look it in the eye! Don't anger it! And whatever you do, don't crawl into the cage- oh, oh, wait, sorry, never mind; that's not an angry gorilla, that's just Marjorie. Oh, silly Marjorie! Thinking she's some kind of female human or something. It also doesn't help that she grunts and makes a lot of really weird noises, and walks hunched over so that her knuckles appear to be dragging along the ground. Sorry, dear, but a darker hair color does not a model - nor a homo sapien - make.

McKey:

It makes me irrationally angry that her name is McKey - like seriously, what the fuck kind of name is that? Is it her last name? Even that's still annoying - could she really come up with nothing better than McKey? Ugh! And another question: did the producers really think that they could substitute the Before picture with a Sims avatar, and we wouldn't notice? Because hoo boy, that's one obvious switch. 

Samantha:

Oh. My. GOD! And that's a good oh my god! Samantha looks amazing! She went from a cute, surfer-esque girl to a statuesque, Amazonian model, and I couldn't love it more. It finally makes her edgy and high fashion and fierce. Damn. I think only Samantha and Elina really had 'top model' makeovers this time 'round. Work it, girl.

Kimora 2.0:

Okay so... they gave her highlights and that's it? Wow, what a makeover! Good thing those highlights totally made her less of a hooch! Oh, wait... well, okay, I must admit her picture was surprisingly hooch-free, but it was kind of boring. Tone it down, sweetie, don't get rid of it altogether, okay? You want to become likeable, not boring.

So there you have it - now onto the judging!

Our first call out was, unsurprisingly, Elina. Her picture was fierce as fuck, and she totally rocked what could've been a Carrot Top variation hairdo. Thank god for small favors. Our bottom two this week were the perky Analeigh, and the horribly forgettable Brittany (does anyone else hate that spelling of the name?) I knew they were going to keep Analeigh around, because while she may be struggling, she's still beautiful and has a lot of potential. And, you know, has a personality. Brittany, on the other hand? Uh, no. Goodbye, Brittany, may you overcome the shame of being the third girl voted off ANTM.  

If We Can't Have The X-Files...

Holy shit, if you haven't seen Fringe yet, I highly suggest you catch the pilot episode

America's Next Top... Something

Oh the wonder! The excitement! The anticipation!

Yes, it's (yet another) new cycle of America's Next Top Model, which brings us to a grand total of 11 cycles, and a grand total of zero models to actually become any sort of Top Model. Sure, there are a few that have done relatively well, given that they got their 'break' on a reality show headed by something referring to itself as a 'Tyrabot' but in the grand scheme of things, we're 0 for 11, kids. And that's why we love this trainwreck so very, very much. 

We opened this season with the news that the show is going back to LA, which seriously just set the tone for failure. They moved to New York because NYC is the modeling capital of America (and Tyra shoots her show there, of course) but are already having the

ir asses dumped back on the West Coast? Don't get me wrong, I'm still overly enamoured with LA, but this spells suicide for our 'potential models'. God, it's so sad that I have to even put 'potential models' in quotations. Ouch.

And this brings us back to the Tyrabot, and whatever the hell it was that the J(ays) were attempting to pass themselves off as. Futuristic mannequins? Sexy male robots? Two men whose souls have been entirely sucked from their bodies, due to the horrifying number of years they've been forced to lower themselves to such terrifying standards in the name of 'modeling'? It's anyone's guess at this point. So yadda yadda yadda, there are so

me terrible preliminary rounds, there's an awesome scene in which the girls are whittled down to 20 (c'mon, how awesome were the rejects' faces when the screens blared out ACCESS DENIED!! in front ofeveryone?) there's some painfully awkward interviews, and then voila! We have our Final Fourteen! Let's take a look at their first shoot - an appropriately politically themed shoot, if by 'politically themed' you really mean 'let's stick them in front of a voting booth and pretend like they're actually conveying some kind of political point.' Awesome!

Our First Call Out of the Season: Marjorie! Ha! Ha! Hahaha! Ha! Ha?

Now, I'm not laughing because I think she's a terrible model, or because I think this is a terrible picture; on the contrary, actually. Marjorie has that Heather-esque total awkwardness thing going on, and it translates into gorgeous, high fashion pictures. Unfortunately, it means she's awkward as all motherfucking hell in person, too. The thing about Heather was at least she had an excuse; autism is one hell of an issue to overcome. But Heather's excuse? Oh, she was born in France, and she was home-schooled. Um... no excuses there; sure, home-schooled kids are often weirder than normal kids, but not to the extent that you're attempting to pass off. In fact, all the "ha ha ha's" are due to the fact that this bitch cannot stop fucking laughing. It's obvious that she's nervous as hell, but it that means we have to listen to her have a coronary every episode this season, then I say we vote her the fuck out now. Yeah, pictures are great, but the first time we see her attempt to waddle down the runway, it'll be her time to go. Just not, cause Tyra loves girls without potential.

Isis

Oh, Isis. What my issue here is that I actually like Isis. I think she's incredibly brave for coming onto the show and allowing everyone and their mother (or every female and gay male in the 18-34 age range, at any rate) into her 'controversial' lifestyle and life choices. And she seems to handle it all very gracefully, opening up an appropriate amount (thank god she's not like most of the ANTM contestants, otherwise, to quote the ever-amazing Phoebe Buffet, "pee-pees will be flying everywhere!") and not letting it get to her when 95% of the other models are too stupid to actually be okay with her situation and her choices. Because, let's face it, this show does nothing to say that models are smart. Hello, Harvard grad with a degree in ENGLISH FUCKING LITERATURE who wouldn't name a literary heroine to save her fucking life. Ghastly!

Anyway, so Isis. Isis is pretty odd looking in person (and not because she's physically a male, but because she has those massive fucking chompers, and an awkward physique) but she does take a pretty good picture. And, unlike most of the other girls, seems to actually grasp the dual ideas of political issues and conveying her chosen issue on camera. Impressive, given that most of the other girls didn't even know what their topics were. Bureaucracy, anyone? But the bottom line is, even if Isis were to win it all, there is no way in hell she's going to be a top model; just like with Sheena. I think they're both interesting looking in their own ways, and they took fairly passable pictures, but the runways are dominated by white women of various European descents, and maybe what... a tiny handful of black women? There's no way an Asian model or a transgendered model will actually become a 'supermodel'. It sounds closeminded to say that, but it's the truth; even Naomi Campbell has a point when she bitches about the horrifying lack of diversity on the runways. So yet again, this is just an "OMG ratings!" ploy by Tyra. Obviously.

McKey

One of the former-Brit/tan/ney's, right? Well no matter the name, I remember her as the psychopath beating the shit out of pillows. Congratulations! You made even me feel awkward watching that attack. Okay, you want to work out? You want more of a martial arts feel? Take Tae Bo - take kick boxing - take anything that doesn't involve you pummeling pillows and looking like a total asshole on national tv. And sure, this picture is surprisingly kick ass (oh god, and I said that without even thinking of the pun factor!), I feel like... uh, 'McKey' is going to try to pull her right hook out for every fucking photoshoot. Next!

Joslyn

I have absolutely no recollection of who Joslyn is, and whether or not I like her. I had this same problem last cycle with Atalya - and she went home first, which doesn't bode so well for this chick. 

Elina

Oh, Elina, you're so controversial with your "I love everyone and everything, girls, guys, whatever" outlook, but we've been there and done that on reality tv. Although I do have to admit that I like her attitude on the issue; it's refreshing to see someone just simply not have a preference, and like a person for just that - the person they are beneath it all. And I have to admit, I think she's gorgeous; she's almost conventionally pretty, but she has that certain je ne sais quois about her that gives her more of a high fashion look. I'm actually surprised she wasn't called out earlier for this picture, because (and god help me) she looks "fierce!" I think she might stay around for awhile, and in fact I hope she does, especially because she makes Clark so goddman nervous, and anyone who unsettles Clark is a winner in my book.

Samantha

I'm... not quite sure how I feel about Samantha. Her face is fabulously high fashion in this picture, and she reminds me of the most recent crop of top models, but again I have no memory whatsoever of her and what her personality was like. At this point, she has a better picture than Joslyn (in my opinion) so hopefully she'll stick around long enough for me to actually remember her. 

Brittany

I don't know, I don't know... This picture is iffy for me. Her eyes are gorgeous, and really give her expression a great "something!" but the rest of it is just sort of... blah. Bland. Her body has nothing going on, other than simply being thin and looking, you know... thin.

Sheena

Sheena's picture wasn't on the CW website, which is rather bizarre. While Tyra's right, Sheena has the whole Kimora Lee thing going on, again, there's no place on the runway (other than at a Baby Phat show) for an asian model with her looks. It's just not going to happen, especially not coming from freaking America's Next Top Model. Better luck next time, progress.

Analeigh

I really like Analeigh because I think she's straight out gorgeous; however, she is not a top model. She has curves and actually, you know, looks like a woman, rather than a stick, but that's where her failing is. She'd make a perfect Victoria's Secret model, because their models are curvier and more conventionally beautiful; a high fashion model, on the other hand, needs to be a walking coat hanger, and pretty weird looking. Here's holding out hope that one of them signs with VS (and that the Jaslene rumor NEVER comes true.)

Clark

What a dumb fucking bitch. Words cannot even describe how much I detest this girl; the only good thing about her was how furiously upset she looked when both Isis and Marjorie (the two girls she's already set her pitbull-esque sights on) kicked her ass in the first round. So fucking there, bitch. Clark represents everything that's wrong with America; she's  generically attractive and blond, so therefore assumes she's automatically better than 99% of the population. She comes from a religious, Southern setting, which means she has no issue stating on camera that Isis is a freak, and she should have her ass beat by the Deliverence Hicks, just like would happen in her hometown. If that doesn't make you feel patriotic, then I just don't know what does! McCain/Palin 2008! Go Republicans! And of course she'll stick around, because every cycle needs their obligatory stupid bitch. At least we can look forward to her mortifying all of us at home on a constant weekly basis!

Lauren Brie

What the fuck is going on here, you ask? Good question, because I'm just as confused as you are. Samantha looks pretty much like she's dead, and was propped up in front of the voting booth to... scare younger people into voting? Vote or Die, literally? And what's with the Lauren 'Brie'? And why do I suddenly want one of the cheese and wine dishes from work?

Hannah

Hannah has a banging body, but that stupid arm thing (see: Samantha) pisses me off. She doesn't look like a model from the shoulders up, she looks like a dear stuck in headlights that's attempting to be sexy in order to plead with the truck driver not to run her over into a bloody, messy pulp. Ah, nothing says "fashion!" like the look of blind panic. 

Nikeysha

Nikeysha is so fucking annoying, and that's really all I have to say about her...

Eliminated: ShaRaun

...but at least she's not as fucking annoying as ShaRaun (ShaRaun? Seriously?) Good lord, was she a stupid, obnoxious bitch. Other than Clark, ShaRaun is (was, sucka) handsdown the most fucking annoying bitch on the show. And, like Clark, she was so fucking cruel to/about Isis, that it made me want to throttle the fuck out of her. At least I got to gloat when Isis pulled off a fabulous picture (especially after ShaRaun stood behind the booth and tried to throw her off) and then ShaRaun went and sucked so badly that she was the first girl to get her ass booted off. Oh, sweet justice! Sadly, this will probably be the only example of justice on this show, seeing as, at the end of the day, it's still ANTM. Just remember the Whitneys, Jaslene's, and CariDees of the world. Now that's frightening. 

First Day Done!

So I just got back from my first ever day of filming (on an actual movie set!) and I am so fucking tired because I've been up since 8, and I filmed from 1-10:30, but it was so much fucking fun and I cannot wait for the next day I have scenes. I really thought I'd be nervous and fuck up my lines, but I only forgot one line once, and everything else just... came naturally. I don't know, it was so much fun and felt so natural, and I really feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Now if I could only do this full time, I'd be golden.

OMG

I MET LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND HE SMILED AND WINKED AT ME, NOW MY LIFE IS COMPLETE

California Dreaming

S0 I'm officially the worst updater in the world. It's not like I mean to abandon the blog, and, truthfully, I keep half-updating and then saving the posts (and then usually forgetting I did that in the first place) but then they just sit there and other crap happens and then oops. Uh, there was an apology in there somewhere!

Anyway, things are going full steam ahead at the moment, and I can finally (finally!) say with certainty that this Friday I begin shooting my very first movie! It's a low-budget alien invasion movie (of course) and I play a band groupie with too much love for an all-female band (and, from what I can see, too many brain-rotting drugs. How fitting!) I'm ridiculously excited just to be on set, let alone actually have the chance to act on camera and be a part of an actual production.

Take Me to Lilith Fest!

There's something to be said about the East Coast, Type A personality out here; I don't have a manager or agent (yet, fingers crossed) but I've been able to get a steady number of auditions based on sheer "pain-in-the-assness" alone. There are SO many auditions out there, if you hunt enough, and so far, so good. I had another huge audition last week, this time for a tv show, but I can't say anything else for the moment - just pray for me, my little good luck charms.

I still need to update my headshots, but I'm waiting until I sock away more money, because it'll be at least a $500 investment given that I not only need pictures taken (and good ones at that), but I need to print them out, and to have my makeup done, and to have everything else that comes along with an undertaking such as that, so hopefully in the near future that'll be possible. I do have headshots, but they're from my modeling days, so they're not quite what I need out here. After all, auditioning for a 16 year-old character doesn't work so well when my headshot implies that I'm naked and thinking "come to me, baby." Ouch.

I bite my mate's head off after copulation

Work aside, life out here has been amazing. I've taken to hiking Runyon Canyon, which is probably the most bizarre thing in the world just because it's a freaking canyon right smack dab in the middle of Hollywood. Seriously, if you walk past Hollywood Boulevard and go up like two more blocks, and voila! Massive mountains, canyons, hiking trails, etc. It's amazing. You can see all of the city from up on the trails, everything from Downtown to Hollywood to Culver City. Being an East Coast City Girl, I'm not used to the idea of a massive, sprawling city that just goes on and on and on. Sure, Manhattan is huge and has lots of different neighborhoods, but it's all neat and tidy on this little compact island, whereas Los Angeles look like someone blew up New York and all the pieces went flying out everywhere. It's pretty incredible to look at.

This gives you just an idea of how big one section of LA is

The Hollywood Sign across the way

So my life lately has consisted of going on auditions, hiking, drinking and smoking too much, going on adventures, finally going to the beach!!!! and just enjoying life, really. I've never been happier than I am right now, and I want to hold onto that feeling for as long as I possibly can. Fuck the real world, fuck salaries, fuck attempting to cram my life into a tidy little ball; this is where I want to be. Man, am I deep.

Oh, and before I go, I FINALLY saw a paparazzi swarm! And nearly got trampled to death in the process. This is just the very beginning of a Britney paparazzi swarm, outside of H Shoes in the Sunset Plaza. I work just a few buildings down, so I was minding my own business and heading down to work, when a stampede of paparazzi came out of everywhere, seriously they were running out of alleys, barreling down Sunset, squeezing themselves out of cars packed with tons of other paps - it was fucking insane.

Kinda made me feel bad for Britney, even though I wanted to elbow my way through the crowd and plaster myself against the window, just to watch her in action. God, I love celebrity shit.