America's Next Top... Something

Oh the wonder! The excitement! The anticipation!

Yes, it's (yet another) new cycle of America's Next Top Model, which brings us to a grand total of 11 cycles, and a grand total of zero models to actually become any sort of Top Model. Sure, there are a few that have done relatively well, given that they got their 'break' on a reality show headed by something referring to itself as a 'Tyrabot' but in the grand scheme of things, we're 0 for 11, kids. And that's why we love this trainwreck so very, very much. 

We opened this season with the news that the show is going back to LA, which seriously just set the tone for failure. They moved to New York because NYC is the modeling capital of America (and Tyra shoots her show there, of course) but are already having the

ir asses dumped back on the West Coast? Don't get me wrong, I'm still overly enamoured with LA, but this spells suicide for our 'potential models'. God, it's so sad that I have to even put 'potential models' in quotations. Ouch.

And this brings us back to the Tyrabot, and whatever the hell it was that the J(ays) were attempting to pass themselves off as. Futuristic mannequins? Sexy male robots? Two men whose souls have been entirely sucked from their bodies, due to the horrifying number of years they've been forced to lower themselves to such terrifying standards in the name of 'modeling'? It's anyone's guess at this point. So yadda yadda yadda, there are so

me terrible preliminary rounds, there's an awesome scene in which the girls are whittled down to 20 (c'mon, how awesome were the rejects' faces when the screens blared out ACCESS DENIED!! in front ofeveryone?) there's some painfully awkward interviews, and then voila! We have our Final Fourteen! Let's take a look at their first shoot - an appropriately politically themed shoot, if by 'politically themed' you really mean 'let's stick them in front of a voting booth and pretend like they're actually conveying some kind of political point.' Awesome!

Our First Call Out of the Season: Marjorie! Ha! Ha! Hahaha! Ha! Ha?

Now, I'm not laughing because I think she's a terrible model, or because I think this is a terrible picture; on the contrary, actually. Marjorie has that Heather-esque total awkwardness thing going on, and it translates into gorgeous, high fashion pictures. Unfortunately, it means she's awkward as all motherfucking hell in person, too. The thing about Heather was at least she had an excuse; autism is one hell of an issue to overcome. But Heather's excuse? Oh, she was born in France, and she was home-schooled. Um... no excuses there; sure, home-schooled kids are often weirder than normal kids, but not to the extent that you're attempting to pass off. In fact, all the "ha ha ha's" are due to the fact that this bitch cannot stop fucking laughing. It's obvious that she's nervous as hell, but it that means we have to listen to her have a coronary every episode this season, then I say we vote her the fuck out now. Yeah, pictures are great, but the first time we see her attempt to waddle down the runway, it'll be her time to go. Just not, cause Tyra loves girls without potential.

Isis

Oh, Isis. What my issue here is that I actually like Isis. I think she's incredibly brave for coming onto the show and allowing everyone and their mother (or every female and gay male in the 18-34 age range, at any rate) into her 'controversial' lifestyle and life choices. And she seems to handle it all very gracefully, opening up an appropriate amount (thank god she's not like most of the ANTM contestants, otherwise, to quote the ever-amazing Phoebe Buffet, "pee-pees will be flying everywhere!") and not letting it get to her when 95% of the other models are too stupid to actually be okay with her situation and her choices. Because, let's face it, this show does nothing to say that models are smart. Hello, Harvard grad with a degree in ENGLISH FUCKING LITERATURE who wouldn't name a literary heroine to save her fucking life. Ghastly!

Anyway, so Isis. Isis is pretty odd looking in person (and not because she's physically a male, but because she has those massive fucking chompers, and an awkward physique) but she does take a pretty good picture. And, unlike most of the other girls, seems to actually grasp the dual ideas of political issues and conveying her chosen issue on camera. Impressive, given that most of the other girls didn't even know what their topics were. Bureaucracy, anyone? But the bottom line is, even if Isis were to win it all, there is no way in hell she's going to be a top model; just like with Sheena. I think they're both interesting looking in their own ways, and they took fairly passable pictures, but the runways are dominated by white women of various European descents, and maybe what... a tiny handful of black women? There's no way an Asian model or a transgendered model will actually become a 'supermodel'. It sounds closeminded to say that, but it's the truth; even Naomi Campbell has a point when she bitches about the horrifying lack of diversity on the runways. So yet again, this is just an "OMG ratings!" ploy by Tyra. Obviously.

McKey

One of the former-Brit/tan/ney's, right? Well no matter the name, I remember her as the psychopath beating the shit out of pillows. Congratulations! You made even me feel awkward watching that attack. Okay, you want to work out? You want more of a martial arts feel? Take Tae Bo - take kick boxing - take anything that doesn't involve you pummeling pillows and looking like a total asshole on national tv. And sure, this picture is surprisingly kick ass (oh god, and I said that without even thinking of the pun factor!), I feel like... uh, 'McKey' is going to try to pull her right hook out for every fucking photoshoot. Next!

Joslyn

I have absolutely no recollection of who Joslyn is, and whether or not I like her. I had this same problem last cycle with Atalya - and she went home first, which doesn't bode so well for this chick. 

Elina

Oh, Elina, you're so controversial with your "I love everyone and everything, girls, guys, whatever" outlook, but we've been there and done that on reality tv. Although I do have to admit that I like her attitude on the issue; it's refreshing to see someone just simply not have a preference, and like a person for just that - the person they are beneath it all. And I have to admit, I think she's gorgeous; she's almost conventionally pretty, but she has that certain je ne sais quois about her that gives her more of a high fashion look. I'm actually surprised she wasn't called out earlier for this picture, because (and god help me) she looks "fierce!" I think she might stay around for awhile, and in fact I hope she does, especially because she makes Clark so goddman nervous, and anyone who unsettles Clark is a winner in my book.

Samantha

I'm... not quite sure how I feel about Samantha. Her face is fabulously high fashion in this picture, and she reminds me of the most recent crop of top models, but again I have no memory whatsoever of her and what her personality was like. At this point, she has a better picture than Joslyn (in my opinion) so hopefully she'll stick around long enough for me to actually remember her. 

Brittany

I don't know, I don't know... This picture is iffy for me. Her eyes are gorgeous, and really give her expression a great "something!" but the rest of it is just sort of... blah. Bland. Her body has nothing going on, other than simply being thin and looking, you know... thin.

Sheena

Sheena's picture wasn't on the CW website, which is rather bizarre. While Tyra's right, Sheena has the whole Kimora Lee thing going on, again, there's no place on the runway (other than at a Baby Phat show) for an asian model with her looks. It's just not going to happen, especially not coming from freaking America's Next Top Model. Better luck next time, progress.

Analeigh

I really like Analeigh because I think she's straight out gorgeous; however, she is not a top model. She has curves and actually, you know, looks like a woman, rather than a stick, but that's where her failing is. She'd make a perfect Victoria's Secret model, because their models are curvier and more conventionally beautiful; a high fashion model, on the other hand, needs to be a walking coat hanger, and pretty weird looking. Here's holding out hope that one of them signs with VS (and that the Jaslene rumor NEVER comes true.)

Clark

What a dumb fucking bitch. Words cannot even describe how much I detest this girl; the only good thing about her was how furiously upset she looked when both Isis and Marjorie (the two girls she's already set her pitbull-esque sights on) kicked her ass in the first round. So fucking there, bitch. Clark represents everything that's wrong with America; she's  generically attractive and blond, so therefore assumes she's automatically better than 99% of the population. She comes from a religious, Southern setting, which means she has no issue stating on camera that Isis is a freak, and she should have her ass beat by the Deliverence Hicks, just like would happen in her hometown. If that doesn't make you feel patriotic, then I just don't know what does! McCain/Palin 2008! Go Republicans! And of course she'll stick around, because every cycle needs their obligatory stupid bitch. At least we can look forward to her mortifying all of us at home on a constant weekly basis!

Lauren Brie

What the fuck is going on here, you ask? Good question, because I'm just as confused as you are. Samantha looks pretty much like she's dead, and was propped up in front of the voting booth to... scare younger people into voting? Vote or Die, literally? And what's with the Lauren 'Brie'? And why do I suddenly want one of the cheese and wine dishes from work?

Hannah

Hannah has a banging body, but that stupid arm thing (see: Samantha) pisses me off. She doesn't look like a model from the shoulders up, she looks like a dear stuck in headlights that's attempting to be sexy in order to plead with the truck driver not to run her over into a bloody, messy pulp. Ah, nothing says "fashion!" like the look of blind panic. 

Nikeysha

Nikeysha is so fucking annoying, and that's really all I have to say about her...

Eliminated: ShaRaun

...but at least she's not as fucking annoying as ShaRaun (ShaRaun? Seriously?) Good lord, was she a stupid, obnoxious bitch. Other than Clark, ShaRaun is (was, sucka) handsdown the most fucking annoying bitch on the show. And, like Clark, she was so fucking cruel to/about Isis, that it made me want to throttle the fuck out of her. At least I got to gloat when Isis pulled off a fabulous picture (especially after ShaRaun stood behind the booth and tried to throw her off) and then ShaRaun went and sucked so badly that she was the first girl to get her ass booted off. Oh, sweet justice! Sadly, this will probably be the only example of justice on this show, seeing as, at the end of the day, it's still ANTM. Just remember the Whitneys, Jaslene's, and CariDees of the world. Now that's frightening.