Midnight Meat Train

No, that's not the title of a new male-on-male sausage fest porn extravaganza, but rather the title of a movie that apparently came out sometime earlier this year. Although in the end, I suppose, whether it's a gay porn or a confusing movie about murderers, meat, and reptilian creatures beneath the subway system of New York (get out of there, Rachel Zoe!), in the end, you still feel like you got thoroughly raped in the ass. 

And you want this to happen to you, just to stop the pain.

The entire problem of Midnight Meat Train - besides the title, of course - is that the whole premise is based on something that, if you've ever been in the New York Subway, you know to be completely false: at no time, ever, in the history of New York City, has the subway been completely empty. It's a complete fallacy, some dream that someone in Los Angeles must've dreamt up after a particularly long night of lines and newly-legalized absinthe. Even if it's 3:30am on a Tuesday, the Subway is full of drunk partiers and weary, early morning business men. The idea of an entirely empty train actually running through entirely empty stations is laughable. Sort of like basing a horror movie on the idea that men need vapid, stupid blondes around them at all times to survive, and having the protagonist arrive in LA, only to find the city completely devoid of them. It's laughable, see, because it's so outrageously absurd. 

Something I also found annoying was the fact that the synopsis on Wikipedia - I know, I know, hardly the pinnacle of hard facts - is completely off. It's like saying The Lion King opens with the main characters sitting around, smoking a joint and having a few cold ones while they bitched about the state of affairs around the Plateau of Life, or whatever the fuck it was the monkey dangled poor Simba off of. You frown and scratch your head and put the DVD on slo-mo, but still, there's no awesomely out of place scene like that. And that's the problem with Meat Train - I got annoyed by the slow pace and went on to see what the eventual outcome was, but then thought I was somehow reading the wrong movie's synopsis. Damnit, not even the web can get this movie right.