America's Next Top Makeovers

Joy of joys! It's that special time again! That amazing time of the year in which we're gleefully subjected to unabashed tears, panicked hair yanking, and the inevitable, horrifying false sense of confidence that strikes girls who really think being madeover from a so-so pretty girl to someone that looks like a chia pet died on their heads means they'll soon be gracing the covers of French Vogue. Yes, ladies, it's the America's Next Top Model Makeover episode! So, without further ado, I present to you the Cycle 11 Makeovers:

Analeigh:

Oh, Analeigh. I adore her, I really do; she's so cute that I just want to put her in my pocket and take her out with me wherever I go. Her makeover looks great - the blonde hair really makes her seem a lot prettier and, to quote Tyra (god help me), makes her "pop". Unfortunately, it also brings to light (pun?) the fact that she really is a blonde - just on the inside. Seriously, girl, it's uncanny. 

Brittany:

Well, it's a vast improvement over that hideous chop 'do she had, but sadly it does absolutely nothing to make her even remotely more interesting. Also, her top lip makes her look like she has a moustache; it's probably not a good thing that she looks way more like a hot tranny mess than Isis does.

Clark With No E:

That still bothers me to no end. And you know what else bothers me to no end? This hair color. It's so... unflattering. It takes away the softer edge that she had when she was a blond, and makes her look like as much of a heinous bitch as she is in person. Apparently this season, it was all the rage to bring out someone's inner persona with a new haircolor. 

Elina:

Oh my god, oh my god, omggg! I love it! This had all the makings of a disaster: Rebel Chick + Red Brillo Pad + Meltdown, but rather than becoming one hell of a mess, Elina pulls the shit off of this look. For once, Tyra has actually taken a totally ridiculous makeover and actually made something of it. It also doesn't hurt that Elina is fierce, and can rock just about any look. What does hurt, however, is that Elina pulled the Rebel Chick Who's Secretly Self-Conscious card, per her freak out and tears over the new coif. And sure, it must've been one hell of a suprise, but give it a freaking rest, bitch; you're not a hardcore bad ass if one new haircut totally shatters any sense of self-identity that you were grasping onto. 

and just remember, Elina; at least you didn't get Taylor Momsen's makeover:

Yikes.

Hannah:

And just when you think Hannah can't possibly get anymore annoying, she goes ahead and gets a haircut that screams out just how horse-like her face is; now she's even more supremely annoying, and she manages to pull it off all without opening her Mr. Ed Jaw. Fabulous. When they announced that she won the Cover Girl Challenge (really, people? Really?) it made me want to jump through the tv and beat the show's producers senseless. Now she's all infused with this horribly misplaced sense of self-confidence, which means we're going to have to listen to 10x more retarded statements spilling out of her. Omigod, I'm from Alaska, ya'll!

Isis:

Well, the hair does do wonders, in that it gives Isis some desperately needed femininity. Don't get me wrong, she looks pretty damn feminine for someone who wasn't born with girly bits, but she still has some masculine features that needed to be done away with, and the long hair is the perfect thing. Of course then they go ahead and stuff her in a tiny bikini, which kind of took all the air right out of that particular tire. And the judges wonder why she looked sort of... uncomfortable, during her shoot.

Joslyn:

Who?

Lauren Brie:

I still don't get it - is her full name Lauren Brie, or does she just really like cheese? Anyhow, for once I actually agreed with what the judges had to say; LB is underwhelming, to say the least, in person, but this bitch takes some fierce ass pictures. Her ladder picture last week was straight out of the pages of Vogue, and this week she looked amazing. It's odd, how someone so blah can be so beautiful behind the camera. Aw, I think ANTM just made me deep.

Marjorie:

Oh god! Don't look it in the eye! Don't anger it! And whatever you do, don't crawl into the cage- oh, oh, wait, sorry, never mind; that's not an angry gorilla, that's just Marjorie. Oh, silly Marjorie! Thinking she's some kind of female human or something. It also doesn't help that she grunts and makes a lot of really weird noises, and walks hunched over so that her knuckles appear to be dragging along the ground. Sorry, dear, but a darker hair color does not a model - nor a homo sapien - make.

McKey:

It makes me irrationally angry that her name is McKey - like seriously, what the fuck kind of name is that? Is it her last name? Even that's still annoying - could she really come up with nothing better than McKey? Ugh! And another question: did the producers really think that they could substitute the Before picture with a Sims avatar, and we wouldn't notice? Because hoo boy, that's one obvious switch. 

Samantha:

Oh. My. GOD! And that's a good oh my god! Samantha looks amazing! She went from a cute, surfer-esque girl to a statuesque, Amazonian model, and I couldn't love it more. It finally makes her edgy and high fashion and fierce. Damn. I think only Samantha and Elina really had 'top model' makeovers this time 'round. Work it, girl.

Kimora 2.0:

Okay so... they gave her highlights and that's it? Wow, what a makeover! Good thing those highlights totally made her less of a hooch! Oh, wait... well, okay, I must admit her picture was surprisingly hooch-free, but it was kind of boring. Tone it down, sweetie, don't get rid of it altogether, okay? You want to become likeable, not boring.

So there you have it - now onto the judging!

Our first call out was, unsurprisingly, Elina. Her picture was fierce as fuck, and she totally rocked what could've been a Carrot Top variation hairdo. Thank god for small favors. Our bottom two this week were the perky Analeigh, and the horribly forgettable Brittany (does anyone else hate that spelling of the name?) I knew they were going to keep Analeigh around, because while she may be struggling, she's still beautiful and has a lot of potential. And, you know, has a personality. Brittany, on the other hand? Uh, no. Goodbye, Brittany, may you overcome the shame of being the third girl voted off ANTM.