Days till LA: 2 (!!!!)
As of 9:15am this morning, I am no longer a virgin. No, not that way, I don't even remember the days when I still had access to that particular club - I mean that today I officially had my first Brazilian Bikini Wax. Yes, you heard me: Full. On. Brazilian.
After all of my laparoscopies, various gynecological exams, and perverted medical intern encounters, I have pretty much had everyone and their grandmother poking around in my vagina. By this point, I could hand out tickets and charge admission, because I really don't mind, and I really need a steady source of income. And while I have a flair for the dramatic, I have an impressively high pain threshold, so when I scrambled up onto the waxing table, wearing nothing but a cute sailor-themed shirt from Forever21 (and a perfectly coifed 'do down below) I didn't worry too much. Been there, done that. And besides, having scar tissue cut out of your abdomen can't be as bad as waxing, right?
Well, mostly. I've been having my brows waxed since I tumbled out of the womb, because I'm pretty sure I was born resembling Madonna's daughter Lourdes:
As of 9:15am this morning, I am no longer a virgin. No, not that way, I don't even remember the days when I still had access to that particular club - I mean that today I officially had my first Brazilian Bikini Wax. Yes, you heard me: Full. On. Brazilian.
After all of my laparoscopies, various gynecological exams, and perverted medical intern encounters, I have pretty much had everyone and their grandmother poking around in my vagina. By this point, I could hand out tickets and charge admission, because I really don't mind, and I really need a steady source of income. And while I have a flair for the dramatic, I have an impressively high pain threshold, so when I scrambled up onto the waxing table, wearing nothing but a cute sailor-themed shirt from Forever21 (and a perfectly coifed 'do down below) I didn't worry too much. Been there, done that. And besides, having scar tissue cut out of your abdomen can't be as bad as waxing, right?
Well, mostly. I've been having my brows waxed since I tumbled out of the womb, because I'm pretty sure I was born resembling Madonna's daughter Lourdes:
I prefer to call it: Latin Flavoring!So having burning hot waxed poured all over my delicate skin, and then ripped off with strips of paper has never particularly bothered me. In fact, I find it almost relaxing. Yes, I just said that. But nothing could quite prepare me for the sensation of burning hot waxed poured over my nether region and then ripped off in a gleeful swipe, so when that first strip came off... well, I didn't scream, but I did start giggling uncontrollably. Like, couldn't stop. I may or may not have alarmed the waxer.
But after that initial ohmyfuckinggod moment, in which I thought I might bite off my own tongue, it wasn't that bad at all! (Says the girl who's used to people tearing at her lady bits.) Sure, there were a few more frightening giggles to be had, but after those first few yanks, everything went blissfully numb, and by the end I was pretty okay with everything. My waxer was suitably impressed, seeing as some women pass out the first time they get a Brazilian. Me? Nah! I just turn into some scary ass version of the Joker.
At the moment, I have sort of a cowboy swagger going on, and I'm guesstimating that in the next hour or so I might imbibe several stiff drinks, but otherwise I'm good to go. Bald, prepubescent, and fabulous. Perfect.
But after that initial ohmyfuckinggod moment, in which I thought I might bite off my own tongue, it wasn't that bad at all! (Says the girl who's used to people tearing at her lady bits.) Sure, there were a few more frightening giggles to be had, but after those first few yanks, everything went blissfully numb, and by the end I was pretty okay with everything. My waxer was suitably impressed, seeing as some women pass out the first time they get a Brazilian. Me? Nah! I just turn into some scary ass version of the Joker.
At the moment, I have sort of a cowboy swagger going on, and I'm guesstimating that in the next hour or so I might imbibe several stiff drinks, but otherwise I'm good to go. Bald, prepubescent, and fabulous. Perfect.
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